What I Want

I want you here.
I want you gone.
Please stay close,
but not for long.
I thought I knew
what it was I wished.
I’ve been so wrong—
don’t know how I missed
the mark of wants
and needs I have.
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t know what I want.
Don’t know what I feel.
I can’t even tell
if these feelings are real.
Did I build them up
inside my head?
Did dream take over
to change which path I tred?
Or are they true?
If so,
what should I do?
Do I take the leap
into the great unknown?
Or do I protect myself
from what the world has thrown?
You leave me waxing
lyrical rhyme
until inner turmoil
has poured out from mind.
I can’t look at you
without being confused,
then I pray
I’m not being used.
I’m not quite myself.
Haven’t been for a while.
Am I grown adult?
Or confused, lost child?
You keep changing me,
I’m not sure it’s for the best.
I don’t think my heart
can endure the test.
Please stay near,
but don’t stay long
‘cause when you’re here
I might just hold on.

To Live or To Escape

To live or to escape
That was the question she posed.
I gave a pause
And thought awhile.
Why did I write?
Was it both?
Neither?
Neither seemed quite right,
An understatement.
I write
Because I need to.
I can’t imagine not writing.
I compose in my head
Where it echoes
And echoes
Until I offer release.
I enjoy it,
No doubt,
But when I’m not writing
A part of me is missing.
I feel like I’m stagnating,
But when I put pen to paper
I’m moving again.
I write
To think
To speak
To imagine
To feel.
I write to breathe.

Pillar

I can’t be
your pillar of strength
when I feel like crumbling down.
Buckling under
this heavy pressure
and letting these tears fall.
I’m not as strong
as you seem to think
when you come running my way.
I can only
hold you close
and share in the pain
as we cry this long night away.

Not Worth It

I’m not that valuable,
don’t look at me like I am.
I’m tarnished all over
fractured pieces
is all I am.
Don’t treat me like I’m precious,
a treasure beyond compare.
You could find me in the dollar bin
at the back of any store.
Don’t tell me that I’m beautiful.
I’m broken and warped,
all the beauty gone to God-knows-where.
I’m really nothing special,
pick something better for yourself
…please
just let me go.
‘Cause if you hold me dear much longer
I might believe it for myself.

Not the Worst

I feel so trapped
all the time.
I’m falling short
of the line.
It can’t be his fault;
he treats me well.
He can’t be the reason
this feels like hell.
He’s never raised a hand
or even voice.
These things I gave up,
weren’t they my choice?
I have to be happy.
They tell me I should.
But given the chance,
would I run if I could?
We’re the perfect couple,
everyone tells me so.
But I’ve lost my voice.
God, where did it go?
I know that at times
this feels like a curse,
but I’ll be okay,
surely others have it worse.

Key to My Heart

I once had
the key to my heart,
but then I gave it away.
I thought that he
would treasure it,
instead he threw it away.
I never thought
I’d see it again.
I believed
it disappeared.
So when you fell
in love with me,
and I told you of my fears
I never expected
for you to find
my key and hold it dear.

If I’d Never Known

If I’d never known your touch,
never felt your kiss,
never felt your arms
wrapped around my hips.
I’d never know your passion,
wouldn’t know your love,
wouldn’t know the ache
when my heart wasn’t enough.
I wish I didn’t know
when I’m settled for the night
and my body can’t get passed
the ache I feel inside,
but in the light of day
when I see you pass me by
I’m glad I got to know
your love coaster ride.

If I Had Known

If I had known
that this is how
our friendship would end,
I would never
have given you
the power to hurt me,
I would have stayed guarded.
If this is how
it was always going to be,
I wouldn’t have
handed you the knife,
I wouldn’t have
let you see me bleed.